Abstract
Objectives
The study aims to explore the patient's internal world and experiences in relation to his agnostic view.
Methods
The author conducted an in-depth interview with the patient, focusing on the patient's perspective on several religious topics (i.e. his view on religion, God, after-life, meaning and purpose of life). The patient gave a free narrative of his life's experience (including his family dynamics) up to the point he declared himself an agnostic.
Results
A theme of splitting defense mechanism and ambivalent object relationship pattern emerged across various topics in patient's narrative. The patient decided that there were only two possibilities regarding God's existence: does exist and is mean, or does not exist. The patient has an enmeshed dyadic relationship with his mother and ambivalent feeling towards his father. Father often treated mother badly and mother often told the patient about it in intense emotions. This caused the patient to feel anger and hatred towards his father, but on the other hand, he felt a longing to be emotionally close and to spend more time with his father.
Conclusions
The patient's ambivalent relationship pattern with paternal figure also occured in his belief in the existence of God. The patient was waiting for tangible evidence that the Father could protect and provide comfort to him. Without this tangible evidence, the patient chose not to believe that God exists, although deep in his heart he hoped and longed for the existence of a good Father.
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